i ate the whole humble pie

I started an 8-week accelerated chemistry course online last Monday.

I thought I could breeze through it…

So naturally I excitedly shared with everyone that I was going for it…

and everyone hesitantly advised I shouldn’t (except for my dad because he has learned what happens when he tries to tell me what to do).

And then I realized…

What the hell am I doing?? Who the hell am I trying to impress??

Was I just born with this innate stubbornness and to prove to the world that I got this whole damn thing that is life on my own, and everyone else can fuck off? Because it sure as hell feels like it.

I have been this way since I can remember.

Never accepting help.

Always tripping and falling and bulldozing through life, making a huge fucking mess, but, at least, I had my pride (or did I?).

The whole thing is so backwards. And I was almost 31 years old until I learned that doing less really is doing more.

That taking on less can make a bigger impact and do bigger things than juggling 10,000 skills/tasks/jobs/projects etc.

Especially if my capacity is not that much.

So, what is my capacity and desires and needs RIGHT NOW.

And let’s just throw getting things done quickly out the fucking window.

Building love. Finishing a degree. Rearing a happy child. Getting fit. Learning how to be a good cook. Getting Rich.

All of it.

Good things (usually) take time.

Good things require resources.

Good things require working with other people.

Good things require learning, failing, building confidence, making time, asking questions and staying humble.

Parenting. Graduating. Marriage. Friendship. Careers. Projects. Building.

EVERYTHING.

All take time. All need people. All won’t come easily. All have a learning curve.

And for all of my life I wanted to skip all these steps!

I didn’t want advice. I didn’t care for strategy. I didn’t think time was important and I damn sure didn’t want to just sit and watch things happen before me.

I just wanted the damn thing done right the fuck now…

And that is why I am a young single mother, not c0-parenting because the father is a loser.

That’s why I live in a studio where the cops frequent my neighbors and there are too many passerby’s.

That’s why I’ve tried 100 different trades but can only really work one of them.

That’s why I have too many credits for financial aid but only one degree.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I don’t need to beat myself up for any of this. And life isn’t bad!

Life is good. We are very blessed.

Honestly, much of the way I am is because I was not set up for success since before birth.

I did not live in a culture where college was talked about since middle school, or where my grades mattered, or where I was informed about important things.

My foundation was a condemned house in the barrio.

My parents hated each other and didn’t go to college.

We had food insecurity.

We followed a fucked-up religion (mormonism).

All of the building blocks for… what?

Perhaps it is a miracle I have gone as far as I have and done all the wonderful things I have done.

But… I want to do more. And I want to do it different.

So, I swallowed a big fat piece of humble pie, dropped a couple classes, asked for help and now…

I feel like I can finally breathe.

and just maybe….

make peace with doing less, and not feeling like less of a person.

I am still important even if I am not in high performance. I am still significant to someone, whether it be my daughter, or my friends, or my sister or… myself.

Yes, even if it is just myself.

I am still important to myself, even if I am not a high achiever. In fact, I have already achieved a lot, and will always continue to because I love living this life that is so full of possibilities. But I don’t have to kill myself to do it.

I am reminded of the term “entropy” that I am currently studying as it applies to the various types of energies within the process of metabolism.

My textbook reads…

“The more energy that a system loses to its surroundings, the less ordered and more random the system. The less ordered and more random the system, the more stable and low energy it is.

Scientists refer to the measure of randomness or disorder within a system as entropy. 

High entropy means high disorder and low energy. Low entropy means highly ordered and high energy (less stable).”

Let me read that again… High entropy means high disorder and low energy…

I would say that the majority of my approach to life’s bigger concepts have been in a state of entropy.

This is why the “doing less and achieving more” concept makes sense. Because by doing less, and resourcing out (to gain energy), there is more order, and therefore, more energy.

Oh if there could only a poetry book based on biological concepts, perhaps STEM would’t seem so intimidating, and rather an exciting invitation for true introspection of the whole self - cellular respiration and all.